OpenAI Just Raised $110B. No Big Deal 💸🤯

Biz Analyst Club Newsletter

by The Business Model Analyst

Hello, Biz Enthusiasts!
OpenAI just raised $110 billion — with a "B" — making it officially worth more than most countries' GDPs. Meanwhile, Jack Dorsey is cutting 40% of his workforce and calling it progress. And Burger King deployed an AI named Patty to make sure your cashier says "please." We're living in a simulation, and the simulation just got a $730 billion valuation. Let's go.

Hot Takes 🚀

1. OpenAI Just Raised $110 Billion — And the Round Isn't Even Closed Yet 💰🤖 Amazon, Nvidia, and SoftBank each wrote checks so big they need their own zip codes — against a $730B valuation. The company that gave us ChatGPT is now consuming 2 gigawatts of compute. You know, normal Friday stuff.
👉 See why this might be the most consequential funding round in tech history

2. Jack Dorsey Just Cut 40% of Block's Workforce — And Called It Smart, Not Sad 🪓📉 Over 4,000 people out at Square and Cash App. Dorsey's take? Fewer people + AI = more output. Oh, and he predicts most companies will do the same within a year. Sleep tight.
👉 Read how Dorsey is rewriting the headcount playbook

3. Netflix Walked Away From Warner Bros. Discovery — And Ellison Gets HBO, CNN, Everything 🎬🏛️ Netflix said "not worth it" and backed out of its $82.7B offer. Now David Ellison's Paramount scoops up the whole WBD empire — studios, HBO, CNN, HGTV — while Netflix walks away with its dignity and a $2.8B breakup fee. Hollywood just got a new landlord.
👉 Find out what this mega-merger means for your streaming bill

4. Ozempic Just Got 50% Cheaper — And the Weight-Loss Drug Wars Are ON 💊⚔️ Novo Nordisk is slashing Wegovy and Ozempic to $675/month starting January 2027. Why now? Eli Lilly is eating their lunch (ironically). The $72B GLP-1 market just became a full-scale price war.
👉 See how the Ozempic price war could finally make weight-loss drugs accessible for millions

5. Big Tech Is Now Grading Employees on AI Use — Like, Officially 🤖📊 Meta, Google, Amazon — all tracking AI adoption in performance reviews. One CEO scores workers 1–5 on AI competency and won't hire anyone who can't demo it. The reward for acing it? A vacation stipend. The punishment for ignoring it? See story #2.
👉 Find out what an AI performance review actually looks like

Quick Hits 📰

• 🍔 Burger King's AI Is Now Monitoring Whether Employees Say "Please": Meet Patty, the OpenAI-powered headset bot grading cashier friendliness. Wholesome? Dystopian? Both.
  👉 See how fast food just got a corporate conscience

• 📱 Smartphones Are Heading for Their Worst Decline Since 2013: AI is hoarding memory chips, leaving phone makers out in the cold. Global shipments expected to drop 12–13% this year.
  👉 Why AI's chip hunger is coming for your next phone upgrade

• 🏢 A Developer Is Dropping $1B to Buy Old Apartment Buildings: Bozzuto and Invesco are betting aging properties are the next great value play. Old is the new new.
  👉 Why the smartest real estate money is going backward

• 🍽️ DoorDash, Uber, and AmEx Are at War Over Restaurant Reservations: $1.2B acquisitions and big credit card muscle all fighting for your 7pm dinner slot. OpenTable started this war. Now everyone wants in.
  👉 Who's winning the battle for your Saturday night table

• 😂 Brands That Embrace Bad Reviews Get More Clicks — Science Says So: Leaning into negative feedback boosts CTR by ~27%. Confidence and humor win. Defensiveness loses. The Carolina Hurricanes pioneered this. Seriously.
  👉 The counterintuitive brand strategy that actually works

• 💊 What AI Execs Tell Their Own Kids to Study: Anthropic's Daniela Amodei and others weigh in. Nuclear energy and healthcare keep coming up. Art history does not.
  👉 Hear what the people building AI think YOUR kid should do about it

• 🛍️ Bloomingdale's Is Thriving While Every Other Department Store Dies: Five straight quarters of sales gains while Saks, Neiman Marcus, and Bergdorf filed for bankruptcy. How?
  👉 Bloomingdale's secret survival playbook is worth stealing

• 🌍 Elon Musk's New Vision: A World Where Nobody Works and Everything Is Free: He calls it "sustainable abundance." A decade ago he said AI would destroy humanity. Glow-up.
  👉 Inside Musk's post-scarcity utopia — and how seriously to take it

• 🥣 Target Is Banning Synthetic Food Dyes From Cereals by May 31: No more artificial colors on the breakfast aisle. The MAHA movement claims a win. Lucky Charms is sweating.
  👉 Which brands will have to reformulate — and fast

• 🤖 Perplexity Launched an AI "Computer" Using 19 Models at Once: $200/month gets you agentic workflows, subagents, and finished reports. They also canceled the live demo because it broke right before launch. Relatable.
  👉 See what Perplexity's AI computer can (and can't yet) do
  

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